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Those of us born in the early 1990s – or maybe late 1980s, are going through a strange time right now. Struggling through the transition from childhood to adulthood, having our first “grown up” job, paying bills (sometimes), realising that very soon there will be no 90s born children in the compulsory schooling system…and *gulps* some of us may be starting to think about (or already have) starting a family or getting married.
Then there’s people like me, who are so far away from the marriage and kids thing that it’s actually laughable. In my 22 years of living, I’ve never had an actual boyfriend. Sure I’ve had some fun times *sniggers*, but I’ve never even been close to being in love. But that’s okay, right? I’m still young. I have lots of things I want to do in my life before settling down; go travelling again, get that travel bug out of my system, come home and get studying again in the form of a PGCE so I can become a teacher. Yes, plan. Besides, it’s 2015. People get married and start a family a lot later than they did say 50 years ago. Women are now more independent and focusing on your career isn’t frowned upon.
I have plenty to be happy about at the moment you know, I have a job that I love; working at a Special Needs college, with young students with all kinds of learning disabilities as well as physical, who inspire me every single day. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, and lots of exciting things I want to do with my life.
I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN
So I like to tell myself…and sometimes I really do feel that way. Until I see yet another “friend” from school on Facebook announce their pregnancy or engagement. Until I see all my younger friends and even my little sister who are in incredible relationships (sorry Cherelley, you know I love you and Tom Tom and I’m immensely happy for you both).
It’s so weird and I feel totally stupid about it, because I absolutely know for a fact I don’t want a baby or a husband right now. I know I want to do other things before I settle down. But at the same time, I can’t help but think “when is it my turn?” When will I meet someone who thinks the world of me, and who I think the world of. When will I meet someone who will put me first, someone whose hopes and dreams I can share?
Recently I met a guy who was so so lovely, we really hit it off and I really thought it would go somewhere. Then suddenly, he just stopped replying to my texts. It really really upset me, like what is so wrong with me that we can go from getting on like a house on fire, talking about meeting eachother’s friends and family, to completely no contact? My sister has a boyf who bought her tickets to see The Lion King for her birthday, and what did I have? Some fuckboy who won’t even reply to my texts. Of course, I have now come to terms with the fact that he’s an idiot and I am fabulous and it’s entirely his loss. But what if it never happens for me?
Like I said, I am only 22, and I know there is plenty of time for all of these things to happen. But of course, there’s always a chance that they won’t, and that’s fucking terrifying.
BUT WHY AM I WORRYING ABOUT ALL THIS?
It all comes down to the fact that, despite all the great things I have in my life, I actually feel pretty lonely. Instead of talking to someone about all this, I’ve written a blog about it.
My feelings are massively conflicting, but all I know is that I needed to get that out of my system, sorry that my first blog post in months is a completely depressing feeling sorry for myself post. If you’ve got to this point and actually read this post, you’re a hero!
What I also know is that, I’ll know I’ve found what’s missing in my life when, if I need to share my emotions, I don’t need to write a blog post about it…